Changing Selves

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The 10 year challenge hype over the past few weeks have triggered a deeper sense of reflection in me…or maybe its the fact that I turn 25 this year which is reminding me that I am already on a path, I am actually living life, not rehearsing it, but actually right in the middle of it. That all the choices I made up to this point have led me here; and the choices I make here will be heavily reflected in the way my future plays out.

Maybe its a combination of all the above, – but I am here, contemplate the idea of changing selves. I keep thinking about my evolving self. How in some ways my 15 year old self may not have ever been expansive or creative enough to dream me up and as a reminder that whatever I dream up now about my 35 year old self in 2029 is probably going to fall short of the full magic she will embody. Maybe that is the point of life; a constant tension of dreaming and surrendering. Maybe this ability to live and let live is what sustains us through moments of doubts and anxieties.

One of the big changes I’ve noticed in my reflection on my changing self is that I am less sure of things and less sure of people. The smarter I’ve become, the more I’ve borne witness to things/people/events that didn’t fit my narrow interpretation of the world, the more I’ve been forced to expand and leave room for all the “I don’t know’s” of the world.
I am learning to remove shame from that answer.
I am choosing to let the world, to let life, to let the Divine, reveal itself to me at its own pace.

I’m also learning to accept my changing and evolving self;

Stretch marks across my hips, breast, and arms remind me that my body is expanding.

The few grays I found on my hair recently remind me that I am aging.

The sheer amount of information in my brain remind me that I have accumulated enough information to fill several treaties.

My anxieties remind me that I have things to lose.

My biological clock reminds me that I could be a mom many times over now if I wanted to.

Slowly and certainly change is happening all around me and I am giving myself space to accept all of those changes.

2018

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There are years that ask questions and years that answer.”

Zora Neale Hurston.

2018 in all her glory was the answer to the question I’ve always had at the back of my mind; how powerful am I?

I sat in my best friends car on New Years Day – a routine we’ve had for the past 4 years. Typically I go over to her house, we do resolutions, she cooks, I linger in the kitchen being minimally helpful. We eat. I talk. She listens. I listen, she talks. We go over our goals; mine reflective of my maximalist tendencies, hers reflective of her more minimalist approach to life. This time it was a little different, we decided to go get Thai food instead. There were no long lists of resolutions. We talked, caught up, listened, laughed. Then she took me home. 

We sat in her car as she pulled into my drive way,

It was cold out and yet we lingered in the cold almost as if we knew for sure this year would be an ending in a lot of ways. As we lingered we talked about our dreams. I had just returned from California a couple of months prior and was contemplating a more permanent move. She was ready to start a family. We talked about the possibility of both. A little hopeful, but not too hopeful. We’ve both known disappointment. We laughed. We always laugh together. We prayed. We always pray together. I told her I was really angry at God but that me and God would be fine. We bared our souls to each other, exactly as we were in that moment. We hugged each other and our intentions and prayers and all the unspoken things were out in the world.

That was day 1 of 2018.

As I sit here on day 351 of 2018  at my new home in California, looking at pictures of my best friends newborn, getting ready to change up my New Years routine this year and spend it teaching yoga in West Africa, a decade-long dream finally realized,  I’m in awe of how much can actually happen in a year.

I could go on and on about the mechanics of how this year actually happened but the truth is that I don’t really recall much of the mechanics. As I look at it from the broad strokes of the year, I realize it took me on a daily journey that I was fully present for and I’m only now unpacking all of the changes. For those that have followed on social media, you know all about my commitment to easeful transitions as I moved to California, changed career trajectories, became more focused on being fully present in my own life and decided to take risks.  I feel drastically different from the girl I was at the beginning of the year and I’m grateful for all those that have been a part of that journey.


I became a lover of poetry this year.
Crisply written words that expressed all the feelings in an accessible way became a life force this year.

I chose my family this year.

I chose myself this year.

I grew more into my body and soul this year.

I found the courage to quit an abusive work space this year.

I got the job of my dreams this year

I leaned very deeply into ease as a way of being this year.

I transitioned into my mid-twenties this year

I owned my desires this year

I expanded my community this year

I left Facebook for good this year

I celebrated my girlhood this year

I became a woman this year

I became intimate with uncertainty

she did not break me.

I learnt boundaries after heartbreak

it did not kill me.

I gave acceptance to all my imperfections

and became whole.

All of these showed me my own power, the capacity to dream things in my inner world and change my external world to fit into the world I’ve been dreaming up. They showed me that even at my most fragile, there is always a glimmer of that inner fortitude that I can cling to if I get quiet and gentle with myself.